Never Too Young to Die

To start off describing Never Too Young to Die, one must delve into the story itself. The film follows Lance Stargrove, played by John Stamos, a high school student who discovers that his estranged father is a secret agent for the United States government. When his father is killed by the evil hermaphroditic villain Velvet Von Ragnar (played by Gene Simmons), Lance takes up his father's mission to stop Ragnar from using a stolen top-secret computer disk for his own nefarious purposes.

Along the way, Lance teams up with Danja Deering (played by Vanity), a fellow secret agent who also happens to be a former flame of his father's. The two of them fight their way through various obstacles, including battles with Ragnar's henchmen and a high-speed motorcycle chase through the streets of Los Angeles. All the while, they inch closer to finding and stopping Ragnar before it's too late.

The film itself is a unique blend of action, sci-fi, and campy humor. John Stamos brings a certain charm to his role as Lance Stargrove, and Vanity's portrayal of Danja Deering is both tough and seductive. But the real standout performance comes from Gene Simmons as Velvet Von Ragnar, the main antagonist of the film. Simmons completely embraces the over-the-top nature of his character, delivering one-liners with a sneer and posing dramatically throughout the movie.

The film also features a number of notable cameos, including Robert Englund (aka Freddy Krueger) as a henchman, and George Lazenby (aka James Bond) as Lance's father. Additionally, the film's soundtrack is full of catchy 80s synth-pop, including a theme song performed by Renaissance man Paul Stanley of KISS.

But perhaps the most intriguing aspect of Never Too Young to Die is its willingness to push boundaries. The film doesn't shy away from featuring a hermaphroditic villain, which was a highly controversial topic at the time. And while the film's handling of this character may be seen as problematic by modern standards, it's worth noting that Never Too Young to Die was one of the few films of its time to even broach the subject.

Overall, Never Too Young to Die is a highly entertaining film that's worth checking out for its unique blend of action and humor, its notable cast, and its willingness to take risks. While it may not be a cinematic masterpiece, it's certainly a fun ride that's never afraid to embrace its own absurdity.