Don't Go Near the Water

Don’t Go Near the Water presents a hilarious and satirical take on the life of Navy officers stationed on an island in the South Pacific during World War II. Directed by Charles Walters, this 1957 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer colour comedy film stars Glenn Ford, Gia Scala, and Earl Holliman.

The main focus of the movie is Lt. Max Siegel (Glenn Ford), a crack public relations officer stationed on one of the Pacific Islands. Siegel is surrounded by an ensemble cast of fellow Navy officers, who, much like him, are satirical stand-ins for a bureaucracy that often seems nonsensical and self-defeating. As a PR officer, Siegel’s job is not to fight, but to write – they are required to churn out press releases and raise the morale of the public back home by pitching stories about the war effort.

Siegel's enlistment does not align him directly in harm's way, but it does place him within the tempest of military politics, red tape, and bureaucracy. Max's dream is to construct a high-status clubhouse on the island for the brass to enjoy, but he continuously runs into hindrances - primarily regulations and higher-ranking officials. His continuous efforts at achieving his goals, peppered with humor and wit, make up much of the film's plot.

Amidst these misadventures, there’s also a budding romance. The lovely Navy nurse, Lt. Alice Tomlen (Gia Scala), finds herself attracted to Siegel, despite his constant teasing. The love affair starts as more of a bickering match but gradually warms up as the film progresses. The film also touches upon the lives of other officers, including wild Ensign Tyson (Earl Holliman) representing the quintessential goofball.

Don’t Go Near the Water shines most in its sort of time-capsule portrayal of military life in the Pacific theatre. The film doesn't aim for grandiose war scenes or heroic depictions of soldiering, leaving room for a candid, comical, and at times touching, exploration of the people in uniform who toil behind the battle lines. It's a reminder that even during the most chaotic and somber of times, there still exists space for humorous antics, endless regulations, idiosyncratic officers, and even love. All of these aspects come to the fore with an air of hilarity that is subtly interlaced with social commentary, bringing depth to the humorous proceedings.

Earl Holliman, particularly, takes the comedic component to a different level by his innocent pranks and naive approach to regulations and mandates. Ford's pitch-perfect timing, dry humor, and the ability to draw a laugh from the simplest line delivery, paints a picture of an everyman struggling with, yet making the most out of, a complicated machine larger than him.

Gia Scala brings warmth, charm, and a hint of sass to her role of the Navy nurse. Her chemistry with Glenn Ford is palpable, their exchanges ranging from humorous to touching. The nature of their sweet-natured romance provides a nice counterpoint to the bureaucratic messes that Siegel constantly finds himself in.

Visually engaging as well, Don’t Go Near the Water provides a vibrant depiction of a Pacific island during the war – the sweeping landscapes, the beautiful beaches, and the uniformed regalia vividly capture the attention and imagination of the viewer.

Laced with certain elements of truth, Don’t Go Near the Water offers an unusual comedic twist on military life during wartime. It may have taken place more than half a century ago, but the light humor, complex characters, and clever commentary on the bureaucratic mayhem behind the war lines hold relevance even today. The film is a pleasant reminder that the human spirit enjoys laughter, romance, and camaraderie even amidst chaos, and that stories from the warfront can sometimes be triumphant without showcasing the actual “war.”