As the resident movie nerd at Clicker, I have seen 71 movies in theaters in 2010 and I intend to see another 71 (as we’re only halfway through the year!)
I
understand that I am the only person crazy enough to blow 100% of my paycheck (hyperbole) to see movies in the theater and that the rest of the universe will at least wait until DVD before torturing themselves with the dreck that hits the screens, I figure my vast experience with box office bummers could grant me at least some semblance of authority on whether or not you should see one of this summer’s big movies.
I’m a fan of Billy Eichner; his false level of excitement for this summer’s movie slate is pretty spot-on and it got us thinking that this really truly has to be one of the worst summers in movie history.
So, on that note, let’s look back to some of this summer’s low points (based on Rotten Tomatoes‘s Ratings):
Sex and the City 2 (16%)
Killers (12%)
Marmaduke (11%)
Jonah Hex (12%)
Grown Ups (10%)
Okay, so maybe not all of the terrible movies could muster a score as horrendous as 15%, but those that were slightly higher (Prince of Persia (37%) and Shrek Forever After (57%), specifically) didn’t inspire a whole lot of excitement, either. Sure, Toy Story 3 (99%) blew minds, box office records, and made grown men (and CEOs) cry. But is that really enough? Are we going to come out of this summer with just one good movie? (And don’t say ‘what about Iron Man 2?’ It was alright. Just admit it to yourself and you’ll be a lot happier).
So, what do you do for the rest of the summer? Do you go to the movies and risk more disappointment or stay home and watch something on Clicker?
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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (June 30th)
I am not a woman. I am not between the ages of 8 – 58. I root for neither Jacob nor Edward. This movie franchise is not for me. I have seen the first two movies, so I can say with utter confidence that Eclipse will be just as terrible. Though this one is directed by David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night), so I might be wrong, but I doubt it, and so did MovieBob.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
If you were already planning on going, you might as well go. If you weren’t then stay home and watch Vampire’s Kiss, a super fascinating Vampire movie starring Nicholas Cage.
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THE LAST AIRBENDER (July 1st)
The Last Airbender has 07% on Rotten Tomatoes.
That’s only SEVEN PERCENT positive reviews! It might go up a smidgen, but it is still supposed to be absolutely terrible. A quote from Roger Ebert’s review: “‘The Last Airbender’ is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented. The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right. Not here.”
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Save your money, stay home and watch all 58 free episodes of the TV show on Nickelodeon.
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PREDATORS (July 9th)
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Maybe it will be all right, but I don’t think people care. I can’t predict the future; this one could really go either way. At the end of the summer we’ll either chalk this one up as a fine piece of cinema like the first Predator or a mediocre piece of garbage, like the second.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies. Give it a chance. Predator and Predator 2 aren’t free online, so you’d have to pay for the rental through iTunes or Amazon. Might as well go to the movies, get pumped up with nostalgia, and rent them on iTunes when you get home.
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THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE (July 16th)
Exec 1: “Hey, I have an idea, let’s make a feature out of that short in Fantasia.”
Exec 2: “With Mickey and the mops and stuff?”
Exec 1: “Yeah, America’s Favorite Cartoon.”
Exec 2: “You are a genius.”
Exec 1: “I know.”
This movie is probably fine. It might even be great; the National Treasure movies are dumb fun, and the whole team is back for this one. It’s just a super uninspired project. Between this, A-Team, and Karate Kid it’s a summer of “re-imaginings” (because remakes is a dirty word now!). It’s like the summer of 2007 where the only films released were ‘thirds’ (Rush Hour 3, Shrek 3, Oceans Thirteen, Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribean: At World’s End, The Bourne Ultimatum.)
I’m not counting this one out, but I’m also not counting this one in.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies, and then come home and watch Vampire’s Kiss.
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INCEPTION (July 16th)
This movie will save the summer. Christopher Nolan gave us the Dark Knight and that won the Oscar for best picture (wait it didn’t? Recount!), but DK is the second highest grossing movie of all time, most people love it, and it’s great.
Based on the trailer (embedded above) Nolan’s about to hit us with more gold; and maybe this one will be so awesome it wins the Oscar because the Academy is so embarrassed after not giving it to Dark Knight (like when they gave it to Russell Crowe for Gladiator because they forgot to for The Insider).
At the end of the summer, people will say, “Well, this was the summer that gave us Toy Story 3 and Inception, so it was pretty great.” and other people will nod and agree, completely forgetting about Marmaduke and Jonah Hex, all thanks to the release of this movie, Inception.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies; you’ll be missing out if you don’t.
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DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS (July 30th)
A remake of a (great) French film starring some really funny people, directed by the guy that did Meet the Parents and Austin Powers (and their lesser sequels). It’ll probably be good. It looks funny, but I can’t really tell because comedy trailers are often misleading. Remember how awful Role Models looked? Then we all saw it in theaters and loved it. Maybe Dinner for Schmucks is Role Models all over again for Paul Rudd.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies. Steve Carrel is always watchable. He’s so watchable that you’ll want more, which will clearly lead you to The Office reruns and everyone feels good about that.
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CATS & DOGS: The REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE (July 30th)
I’m in.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Stay Home.
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THE OTHER GUYS (August 6th)
After Ferrell and Mckay’s string of masterpieces (Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Step Brothers) we can only hope that they’ll be 4 for 4 with The Other Guys, and we especially like these guys because they not only make great stuff for theaters, they make great stuff for the Internet.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies and if it’s not good come home and cleanse your palate with a nice viewing of Step Brothers on Netflix Watch Instantly or just watch tons of videos on Funny or Die.
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SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD (August 13th)
I’m going to level with you. I’m going to get down, look you in the eyes and tell you what I think: I don’t know. Edgar Wright is an amazing filmmaker, Hot Fuzz and Shaun of The Dead are two of the greatest films of the decade, the source material is supposed to be amazing (I shouldn’t make this public, they’ll take my nerd badge away), but that trailer doesn’t look amazing. Does it, and I’m just crazy? Entirely possible; realistically realistic.
It’ll probably be great. It will be great. I must will excitement!
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies! Don’t let my sourpuss attitude keep you away from what very well could be one of the best movies of the year!
If you’re still on the fence, like me, mull it over while watching a similar (in that it revolves around video games) program, Zero Punctuation. I haven’t watched it, but my co-worker Oscar goes nuts over it, so that must mean something.
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THE EXPENDABLES (August 13th)
Stallone is back. He’s got all of the action stars in the world in on this one. Even Schwarzenegger and Willis show up for a little bit of cameo action.
This summer’s third disgraced men on a mission movie (The Losers, The A-Team) will also probably be the worst.
No one looks like they’re having any fun (and that’s a problem).
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Stay home and watch some good action movies starring all of these people (it’s pay-only, but it’s worth it):
Stallone: Rambo First Blood
Schwarzennegger: Total Recall
Willis: Die Hard
Statham: Transporter 2
Li: Unleashed
Lundgren: Masters of the Universe
I’ll take the bullet and see The Expendables for you.
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VAMPIRES SUCK (August 18th)
This movie comes out in August and there isn’t a trailer (head’s up, that’s not a good sign).
It is made by the worst filmmakers in the history of the medium, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Disaster Movie), who have decided to “skewer” the Twilight films. I’m sure 13 year olds will go see this with their entire middle school and walk out disgusted with themselves.
I know I will.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Stay home, oh God, Stay home. Go see Eclipse. I bet it’s better. Better yet! Cozy up with your laptop and watch my favorite Parody film, Hot Shot Part Deux (what happened to Charlie Sheen, amiright?)
Also, because good jokes come in threes: Vampire’s Kiss.
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TAKERS (August 27th)
Have you seen this poster? It’s so poorly photoshopped.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Stay home and watch every episode of You Suck at Photoshop so you don’t make the same mistakes that the marketing team behind this movie did.
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THE LAST EXORCISM (August 27th)
I saw this at the Los Angeles Film Festival and it’s legitimately great. It’s scary as hell, and people will really like this movie, so the summer ends well, but that’s not saying that much.
Stay Home or Go to the Movies?
Go to the movies, with my personal ‘you won’t be disappointed’ guarantee. If you’re disappointed, you can send your very angry email to notkurtsemail@clicker.com.
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WRAP UP
This is not a movie, but in fact a wrap up.
What to do, right? You had a disappointing first half of the summer and don’t want another Sex and The City 2 on your hands, but you love movies. Here’s what I think: I think you should go see whatever movies you think look good. Then watch all the things I recommended you watch on Clicker. That way we all win.
I’m sorry if the rest of the summer turns out to be just as mediocre as the first half.
But then again, it’s not my apology you need, it’s Hollywood’s.
